Under the bleachers

Under the bleachers

by Eli Taylor

Careful now! Stand Back!

Revelations like these come along only once every few thousandyears, and I have the pleasure of being the one to carry thetidings: Some athletes only come to college to participate insports!

I know what you’re saying to yourself. You’re saying, “Youarrogant filthy bore, how dare you go around spewing forth suchvicious undeserved libel?”

Look at the facts Charley. The NCAA has been vilified as of latebecause of its piss-poor showing as far as the graduation rates forathletes goes, so the powers that be have decided to change therules. Good idea, right?

Ye gods! One would think so. NCAA President Myles Brand seems tothink so: “This academic reform, if it goes right, will see notjust better graduation rates but better-educated student-athletes,and coaches and athletic departments being more cognizant thatstudent-athletes need to get a better education.”

Maybe it is necessary MB, but you’re not just saying thatbecause only forty-four percent of Division 1 basketball playersgraduated with a degree in at least six years are you? And it’scertainly not because only fifty-five percent of football playersreceived degrees within six years of their matriculation…is it?But they are bold words. They’re slightly atavistic of a youngliberal yearning for meaningful reform.

But my question is how he can justify his words when his reformcalls for letting recruits come into D-1 programs with the leastSAT score possible: a freaking 400!

If you get 200 just for putting your name in the right spot,then “Ed the Retard” from Comedy Central’s Crank Yankers could havetaken the thing and flogged it like a step-child who forgot hischores. ACTs are equally as bad with the new base end score being acombination 37. That’s NOT, and I repeat NOT, a cumulative average.That is combined.

In order to counter this clearly capricious blunder of lettingfour-year-olds play college sports, the NCAA plans to tighten uptheir eligibility criteria.

How many bad ideas can one panel of fat wallet, small neck,ignorant, jerk-off types come up with in one week.

In the 2002-2003 basketball season some five counts of homeworkfraud were discovered, including a few at the University of Georgiaand Fresno State University.

In case you’re just joining our little rant here, the NCAA islowering standards on SATs and ACTs, raising standards for semesteracademic eligibility, and expecting this to be okay.

Perhaps the drug tests that accompany playing D-1 athleticsshould also be administered to these pusillanimous men who havebecome so prolific through their association with an NCAA panel ofimportant people that they are actually willing to make theplausibility of academic fraud a reality. That or there might be anew major added to the list of their academic disciplines: basketweaving. Normally I would blame God for this sort of blatantmalfeasance, but it would seem the hammer falls square on the headof NCAA heads trying to fatten their own wallets first and look outfor athletes second. Mahalo!