Dear Hs/SS

I went home with my boyfriend over Christmas break and met hisfriends and family. I went to a local bar with him in his smalltown and was introduced to several people. As I was talking with afriend of his I knew, several girls were hugging and trying to kisshim. His friend told me that most of them were victims of”censored” once upon a time. I got the feeling he was aplayer…

Is it possible that his ways have changed? Am I more than a toyor am I just another one of the blind bimbos he is “playing?” Howdo I deal with this?

~Another Notch?

Dear Another Notch,

When I hear someone talk about a player I don’t think of a manin a long-term relationship taking his girlfriend home to meet hisfriends and family. I think of someone who lies, cheats and stealsto get a woman then treats her badly and dumps her after a shortperiod of time in order to pursue other woman. Unless of coursesaid woman realizes the particularly heinous brand of jiggalo sheis dating and first ends the relationship. The mere fact that youappear to be in a committed relationship makes me think that yourboyfriend is not a player.

However, there is an easy way to figure out for sure. Askyourself one simple question. Do you feel like you have beenplayed? I would think that if he had played you up to this pointyour woman’s intuition would have kicked in by now. Oh, and for youconfused guys out there, a woman’s intuition is somewhat analogousto Peter Parker’s spider sense. Obviously this particular empathicfemale phenomenon has not kicked in as you are steadily dating thisman, though I can only imagine the smack down you could lay on Dr.Octopus.

As for the eager harem you encountered at the bar, here are afew key points to consider. How did he react? Did he encourage it?Did he try to stop them? You wrote that they were hugging him andtrying to kiss him, at least implying that they were unsuccessful.Had he not deflected these smooches perhaps this would be a wholedifferent letter.

I can’t speak to his past behavior; maybe he was the best playerthe game has ever seen, but never underestimates an individual’scapacity for change. You are in a steady relationship with this guyand didn’t mention any other problems.

Therefore I believe that your boyfriend is not a player or atthe least a reformed one. He is however guilty of not beingattentive or considerate of his girlfriend, a fact that I recommendyou make him aware of.

Rob Stewart

Another Notch-

Whether you want to take my word for it or not some people doturn over a new leaf once they get to college. If he’s onlydisplayed these tendencies at home, then why worry about what’s inthe past? Most people have changed a lot since they day theygraduated from high school-give him the benefit of a doubt and askhim about it. See what he has to say and take his word as thetruth. If you can’t deal with the answer you get then move on.There’s no reason to settle for anything but the best, especiallywhen it’s hard to trust his word as the truth and listen to talesof his shady past.

Good Luck!

~Andrea