Your complete guide to fooling employers into giving you a summer job

Your complete guide to fooling employers into giving you a summer job

by Mark Pleiss

First rule of spring break: Do not ask about my springbreak.

Many young men had fun. Many actually saw girls, some even inbikinis. But I didn’t see any bikinis, no blondes or brunettes; Ihad big things, I had to find a summer job.

Why do you need a summer job?

Summer used to be a time for riding bikes and trips to thepublic pool, times when days would be endless, and sloth would beconsidered a virtue.

But those days are over.

Today, there are bills to be paid. Today, sloth is regarded as adeadly sin. Today, you need to find a summer job.

With clever cliches like “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop,”and “you need to get off your lazy, freeloading butt,” parentsinevitably persuade their children to pick up the sickle and headout into the field. The transfer from the lazy days to the days oflabor are an important part in any young person’s life, and issomething all college kids need to regard as significant.

What kind of job should I do?

There are essentially two rules when it comes to collegiatelevel summer employment: You will perform work moderately-trainedmonkeys could easily do. You will work two hours longer than youwant to every day, while simultaneously receiving two dollars lessan hour than what you want to receive.

Previously, I have worked two summer jobs. The first oneconsisted of painting grade school classrooms and dank,spider-infested cellars for $6 an hour, 40 hours a week. My secondjob saw me taking money from parking meters and putting them into alarge, metal cart that I would joylessly push around downtownOmaha. In the afternoons, I was the guy that held the “slow down”sign. But this is just my experience. Don’t limit yourself tokilled brain cells from paint thinner and strained hamstrings, thesky is the limit when it comes to summer work.

In the past, popular jobs have been life guarding, pushinggrocery carts, flipping burgers, telemarketing and being guineapigs in the testing of unlicensed drugs. As long as the workinvolves zero thinking ability and a lot of mindless repetition,you can probably get the job.

How does one obtain a summer job?

There’s an ongoing conspiracy with employers and parents ofteenagers. Having a solid resume is important, but not nearly asimportant as having a haircut. Several surveys by top notchresearchers have concluded that a teenager can have a convictedcriminal record for mass homicide, but will still get a job over anA student with long hair.

So take your earrings out, find some clippers and put on yourbest smile.

But before the interview, you must fill out an application. Anapplication and resume are your chance to creatively embellish.There are two kinds of lies when it comes to resumes andapplications. There are good lies, and there are dumb lies.

Good Lie: I was an active member of the National Honor Societyand learned about life and dedication (of course you were also anactive member of Alcoholics Anonymous so you eventually flunkedout).

Bad Lie: I earned my P.h.D in nuclear physics and am discerningmonkey test research (of course you’re a communications undergradwho is easily confused by blinking lights and sterile, metalthings).

You must understand your boundaries. If you are uncertain as towhether you are making a good or bad lie, ask yourself, “If I wasconfronted on this, could I talk my way out of it?”

Another small detail to remember is that employers, whetherliterate or illiterate, no matter if you’re applying for a positionas a burger flipper or monkey researcher, automatically turn intoblood thirsty copy-editors that will use your resume as bird cagelining if an “I” isn’t dotted or you repeatedly refer to yourselfas “Mark Man.”

When it comes down to it, you have to use good judgment withresumes and interviews, selling yourself is key, but don’t look toodesperate.

What are the lasting effects?

Summer jobs are just like one-night stands, they’re short,intense, very sweaty, and are over just as quick as they began,making you wonder where you just were. If you weren’t fired forsay, lying on your resume or gross negligence/incompetence, theycan serve as springboards for future jobs and future resumeembellishments. Along with that, you learn valuable life lessonssitting on the couch wouldn’t provide you with. But from what I’velearned, the most important reason to get a summer job is to propelyou to want to stay in school so you aren’t doing that task therest of your life.

An old, experienced, work force comrade told it to me best as hecleaned the diesel from between his knuckles, saying, “Boy, youbest be getting through school. This job is for losers, you don’twant to be a loser the rest of your life, do you?”

Do you…?