Bathroom Humor

by Mandy Frohling
April 1, 2004

During the days of Rome, people rejoiced at the notion oforganized waste treatment, namely that of human waste.

This tradition continues today, even at this very institution.One need proceed no further than any residence hall to find, whatmodern scholars have deemed, a bathroom.

Bathrooms take many shapes and forms, but I will focus oncommunal facilities. Bathrooms have taken on many names in thepast: facilities, lavatories, outhouses and restrooms, but onething has stood as a constant: There are certain rules one mustabide by, especially in a spot of social gathering as the communalbathroom is.

Barker residence hall has been no less a home than a mother tome. Its vending machines provide me healthy food, its warm,concrete skin gives warmth, and its bathrooms assure comfort duringany hour of the evening. But Mother Barker, as well as mostresidences at Simpson, teaches sharing as well.

Her many facilities are for all, and when using them, one mustalways be courteous. I can’t reinforce that enough. Communitybathrooms will try your every emotion, but you must stand tall,always showing good manners.

Students moving into communal facilities should take close note.The following scenarios are real. Most have come from personalexperience. Though some may seem outlandish as the unicorn, nothinghas been embellished to protect the innocent.

Remember, anything is possible in the bathroom.

As an early warning, you may find that you fall into one ofthese reprehensible categories, that’s okay. We have all been oneof these sick people at least once.

Zit Poppers/Facial Expressionists In The mirror

Like rats and other vermin shocked by the presence of suddenlight, these types of individuals will pretend to be doingsomething mundane (combing hair, brushing teeth with imaginarytoothbrush) when the bathroom door suddenly springs open. Theseaccepted practices of middle school are no longer respected at thecollegiate bathroom level. If you find yourself walking into thebathroom, accidentally stumbling upon such a rattlesnake scenario,just PUKE.

P=Practice good manners

U=Understand it could have been you

K=Keep a straight face

E=Exit the bathroom (snickering)

Uncomfortable Urinanal Scenario or UUS

I’m afraid this one is for the gentlemen. Girls, either skipdirectly to the next situation, or entertain yourself by makinghumorous facial expressions in the mirror.

Men, you’re lying to yourself if you deny it. You’re doing yourbusiness in solitude, gleefully at the urinal. But a sudden tensionarises. You hear the door open, then slam shut. A large manappears. You hear a zip and a bustle, then nothing stands betweenyou but a few inches of flimsy plastic barrier.

“Nice day, huh.

“Mmmhmm,” he answers back.

Should I continue in mindless chat? Should I just do my businessand exit as fast as possible? These are rational, human questions.The answer is simple. Bathrooms are a place of business, notpleasure. Friendly acknowledge your

“partner,” finish as possible as one can, then exit. In thisscenario, washing your hands is optional. Your immune system wasdesigned for this very reason.

Crumpled Newspaper By The Toilet

Under no circumstance should you ever touch it, unless it’s acopy of The Simpsonian.

Puker

These people have enough problems without your gazing eye. Inbest-case-scenarios, a boyfriend/girlfriend will be in the opposingsex’s (drawing comic relief) bathroom holding their hair orproviding other, paltry assistance. Upon arrival, offer yourassistance, but if they actually accept, you should run away.Otherwise, provide conversation with the puker while doing yourbusiness and washing your hands. Any topic will suffice.

“So have you seen “The Passion yet? Heck of a movie.

he probably won’t be able to hear you over his gastro-intestinalscreams, but it’s the intention that matters.

Weird Kid In The Bathroom

Whether you’re taking an afternoon “break” or amiddle-of-the-night

“emergency,” he’s always there: staring, prodding. Remembercourtesy. You know he means no harm, it’s just his queer way.

You should get to know this maven of the facility, he couldcertainly regale you with many a joyous yarn. But for the morepassive bathroom goer, it’s a sad fact that this person will justalways be there and must be accepted like an ugly scar on a prettyface.

Final Thoughts

There are many more of these situations. Trying to encompass allwithin a short column would be like capturing the ocean in aplastic pale. I can only hope that this will serve as plausibleadvice you can turn to in any situation. If you’re caughtoff-guard, just quickly run to the stall. Stacks of Simpsonians aredistributed to each.

Remember, human waste is still a mystery. We don’t know how it’screated, and what plausible use it serves. Because of this, thebathroom is a sacred, abstruse place filled with confusion.Godspeed with all your future, bathroom endeavors.

And always wash your hands.

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