Yes, this will be on the test: Simpson’s unwritten lessons


by Kate Paulman

Can you smell it?

It’s unavoidable.

It’s a whole new crop of freshmen- err, first-years- oncampus.

Behold the magic that is the first year of college: old enoughfor it to be legal, but not old enough for filing your owntaxes.

Yes, freshman year can be a magical, fun-filled time. However,all the coordinating notebook/binder sets and trendy room decor inTarget cannot prepare a naive high school senior for the harsh,cold reality that is Simpson College.

Just kidding.

However, there are a few quirks about Simpson that a first-yearmust know.

The Zoo

If you hear anyone talking about going to the zoo or what a wildtime they had at the zoo, they’re not talking about the popularfamily destination. The Zoo is the one and only college bar intown.

Be warned: what happens at The Zoo does not, by any means, stayat The Zoo.

But, being the underaged students that you are, you should notbe too concerned with the proprietors of libations in thisone-horse town.

Haunted Housing

Every freshman girl in Kresge will quickly learn that Kresge ishaunted. There are variations,but the general story goes likethis:

“There was this girl. Now, I didn’t know her, but some of thegirls that graduated a few years back did. And she had thisboyfriend who had a motorcycle. They had just gotten engaged. Shelived on third floor in the old wing of Kresge. One night, it wasrainy and her boyfriend was riding his motorcycle to see her. Hecrashed into a tree and died. The next night, she went into thecrawl space of her room and killed herself. I don’t know,that’sjust what I heard.”

Sometimes, the teller will throw in the bonus that before shedied, she carved a tree into the door of the crawl space.

Yeah, it’s a dramatic story that can quickly turn any late-nightnoises into ghostly apparitions.

Too bad it never happened.

All You Can Eat

The first few weeks of school, Pfieffer food is awesome. It’sall you can eat! And there’s always ice cream! Hooray!

But by October, the honeymoon is over.

By then, you’ll be sick of the pizza, tired of waiting in linefor the waffle makers and so over the pasta bar.

We may think we have it bad, but what student body adores itsfood service?


However, you should quickly learn the tricks of the foodtrade.

For example, the burgers always come with Thousand Islanddressing on them- and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Pfieffer virgins will soon understand the importance of grabbingchocolate chip cookies before they sit down.

Also, bread and fruit can be easily smuggled out in the pocketsof your comfy Storm sweatshirts.

Miscellaneous Mischief

If you’re coming into college already attached, be prepared.College offers new temptations and opportunities never before seenby high school students. The possibility of one or both of youmaking a mistake is greatly increased. Just be aware: if you’regoing to make that mistake, there are always free condoms by thenurse’s office…oh, and everyone will know about it before youeven make it back to your room.

As far as room decor goes, it may be tons of fun to duct tapeposters to the walls and spill soda all over the floor inSeptember. But when those May fines roll in, it won’t be anyfun.

If you’re entering the library and standing in front of the dooron the left, be on the lookout. Most likely, some lazy jerk behindyou will hit the door opener, making the door on the right open andhit you in the shoulder. The door opener is not a toy, kids. Pleaseuse it with careful discretion.

Wear shoes in the shower. You don’t know who in your hall has afungus. Chances are, everyone does.

The only way the rest of us will know you’re freshmen is if youdress for class everyday like you’re going to Coconut Joe’s. You’llquickly find that hoodies are Simpson chic.

Go to class. You’re paying good money to go to school here.Don’t waste it.

That’s about all you need to know. Oh, except, your mom doesn’twork here…clean up after yourselves.