He Said… She Said

by James Joy and Mindy Marks

I recently started dating this guy and things are moving at afairly quick pace, if you know what I mean. He has been reallygreat and I really feel comfortable with him, but he’s verysecretive about his past.

Is it a bad sign that he doesn’t want to disclose thisinformation? Should I really worry about it?

Is he hiding something? Also, if he won’t tell me about hispast, is it reasonable to think that he will dance around the issueof STDs too?

I know that we need to talk about this soon, but how do I knowhe’s telling the truth? I don’t even know about his past life inhigh school, let alone his sexual history… what do I do?

He says…

It sounds like you have a man who is afraid of emotionalintimacy, or he could have a past that you’re not going tolike.

In either case, you can never trust your own health to anyoneelse, so being safe is your first priority. The only truly safe sexis not having sex at all, and the benefits to waiting areplentiful. If abstinence isn’t an option, then be aware that whilecondoms do protect you, it’s still possible to contract otherdiseases.

I’d consider his inability to talk about his past a bad sign,and I’d assume he’s hiding something.

You could trust him and hope you won’t get an STD, or you couldtake control of your own health and end all sexual activity untilyour questions are answered.

If this is a relationship you want to continue, provide anenvironment for him to feel comfortable and begin to explain hismysteries of life.

She says…

The fact that you’re worried about his lack of disclosure raisesconcern right off the bat. The truth is everyone has a past.

For some people it takes a while to open up, but if asubstantial amount of time has passed, you need to tell him howimportant it is to talk about this. It’s not like he’s Clark Kentand can’t tell you because he’s Superman. An important part ofbeing in a relationship is sharing yourself with that person andbeing at a solid comfort level.

Before you engage in any form of intimacy, you may want to askyourself why you’re doing it with someone you’re not emotionallyintimate with. Also, it’s probably a good idea for both of you tobe checked for STDs – there are statistics that prove this is agood idea, go look them up. As Mamma Marks said on parents’weekend, “Don’t put the car in the garage without a car cover on,”if you know what I mean.

The voice of reason says



It sounds like you are asking me to reassure you that having sexwith someone you don’t trust will turn out well. I can offer nosuch reassurance. You have a choice to make. You can choose tofollow your lust, risking an STD, AIDS, a one-night stand, and apainful breakup in the future.

You can choose to slow the pace and wait until he feelscomfortable disclosing his secrets to you before you disclose yourbody to him. You can choose to cut your losses and find someonemore trustworthy to date.

Or you can consult with one of the Criminal Justice facultyabout how to hire someone to investigate.