Meth abuse makes Iowa ‘black tooth’

by Jack Sawyers

Lately I’ve felt as if my columns have strayed a bit too far from what is actually the heart of the Perspectives section here at The Simpsonian – the perspective. I’ve tried to pass anecdotes off as opinions and tried to substitute dull humor for involved thought.

Don’t look for that to change.

However, to make up for lost time, I think it is necessary for me to throw a few bones your way – give you something to think about.

That’s right … I’m tackling the tough issues. You’re about to relive and discover the burning questions and smoldering debates of our time, straight from the desk of the guy who never brings his book to class.

Get ready for some deep thinking, Simpson College.

First, The Des Moines Register recently reported that Mount Pleasant schools are considering banning homemade treats from being shared at school because some treats may contain residue from methamphetamine labs in the children’s homes.

This, from the nation that brought us razor-blade apples and needles in Snickers, is disappointingly believable.

As someone who has seen firsthand the effects of meth and its production’s toll on small communities, I can honestly say that Iowa is America’s black tooth.

Moving on, just once I think it would be okay if someone could not only have their cake, but be permitted to eat it too. Wait, we do that.

There is a massive amount of food wasted by diners at Pfeiffer.

Many people eat only half of what they put on their tray, and some don’t even eat that much. Granted, they’re paying for it, but what a waste. If I ever become homeless, I’ll squat near a college cafeteria …

Also, thank lamp that someone finally took down those signs around campus that had been reminding me daily of just how many people had STDs or contracted AIDS today or might be chemically dependent or possibly had wooden teeth.

Besides my imminent savings on antidepressants, I think the major upside to this will be my ability to sit in my lecture chair without first putting my book bag on it.

The college’s decor in general needs work. Granted, a certain astute student has a point when he mentions that eating at the Grill, in the presence of an old wrestling singlet, is somewhat unappetizing. However, I honestly have no room to talk – I live with an overgrown rat that frequently poops in corners. Plus, I have a ferret.

I may never forgive my grudge against Isaac Newton. His belief in an equal and opposite reaction for every action is always on my mind Friday morning coming down.

But that doesn’t keep me inside on Saturday night. Signatures’ Saturday nights have been a little out of control lately. I like crowded bars, but standing on someone else’s feet out of necessity is a little too extreme for my taste.

I wouldn’t look for things to slow down any, either, because it’s the only game in town. Will this stop me from making an appearance?

Not bloody likely.

Simpson students are involved in athletics, arts, organizations and charities.

They do great things for themselves and the community at large.

The things we participate in as a college are often spectacular. Sometimes, though, all we can manage is a case race, and that’s alright.

And that’s what I think.