I know you’re not supposed to use sex as a bargaining tool in relationships … but sometimes I can’t help it. My boyfriend really loves sex (and so do I), but sometimes I find myself holding out when he does something I don’t like. For example, he blew off a date with me last weekend to party with the guys, so I resolved to not give him any for a week. That’s not the first time it’s happened. Is it really so wrong? I don’t now how else to bargain with him or get him to do what I want. What should I do?
In one word: Yeah, you are in the wrong.
What is so wrong with you boyfriend wanting to hang out with his friends once in a while? Some girls insist on spending every waking and almost every non-waking moment with their boyfriends. This is what I like to call obsession. Sounds like you need to give him space – If you two are meant for each other then you’ll have the rest of your lives to spend together. However, even married couples spend some time apart.
You mention that you want to get him to do what you want. Have you ever thought about what he wants to do? Have you ever let him chose the movie, for example, or do you drag him to every chick flick that comes out?
Now you can call me old-fashioned, but I’ve always considered sex an expression of love, not something to be bartered. Over break, my hometown pastor said something that really fits here. His sermon was titled “Stay Awake!” He said, “If you fall asleep morally, even for a second, you could awake and find kids that regard sex as a sport …” Your activity shows that our culture has degraded in the simplest morality. Whether or not you adhere to the Christian standard of abstinence until marriage, you should, at the very least, treat sex as something special – not something you use to manipulate your boyfriend.
Sweetie … I hate to say this but I have to call it like I see it – and it appears that you and your boyfriend like sex more than each other.
Think about it.
You really aren’t getting what you want by denying him the nookie – he’s not sorry for ditching you for his buds, he’s just sorry he’s the only one attending the party in his pants. An apology gained only through sex is not an apology worth having.
My suggestion, try to make your relationship function where sex is neither there to give nor to deny. In other words, see if you and your boy can survive without “doing it” for a while – that way you will truly know if it’s lust or love. Explain to your boyfriend this isn’t one of your usual “punishments,” that it’s a trial period to see if what you have with each other is something special – more than just physical attraction.
If you two have a good relationship you should have no problems finding some other way, besides fighting and having make-up sex, to spend time together.
Bottom line, you can’t keep using sex to get what you want. In the long run it hurts your relationship as well as yourself. Plus, if he was a decent guy and not a big loser he’d try to make you happy no matter if you were putting out or not.