Mutant squirrels taking over Simpson campus

by Nicki Van Hoever

I’m sure every person on campus has come in contact with the well-fed, furry little creatures that seem to be everywhere. They dart around without fear and I feel very unsafe around them. I know I’m at least 10 times bigger than a squirrel, but it’s very possible for them to get together and do some damage. The power of the squirrel population should be kept under close watch and never underestimated.

My personal experience has taught me two things: never approach one and if one approaches you, run away. On one occasion I was approached by one, and I was scared because it was 2 a.m., and I was alone. There was no telling how many others were out there, and if I were to scream, no one would here me.

I stood toe-to-toe with the cute little, mutant squirrel. I diverted my path to the other side of the sidewalk, but it darted in front of me. That’s when it got weird. I think the squirrel was possessed, because when I dashed the other way, it followed just as rapidly. So many questions were running through my head. Are squirrels good fighters? Could I take him?

I wasn’t sure of the answer to either question. Those beady little eyes looked up and he tilted his head in a cute attempt to lure me into his trap. All I could think to do was turn around and run, but what if it chased me? Worse yet, what if someone saw me running from a squirrel? Finally, I decided on a course of action that seemed logical; I had a stare down with a squirrel. It was not one of my better moments, but I didn’t back down. The squirrel was a good competitor, but he was no match for me. After at least a minute of hateful glaring he was the one to give up. So, for about two minutes I was genuinely scared for my life, and I ran back to my dorm just in case he was getting back up.

That was my first run in. There have been more. Most notably would be when I was attacked. I was walking to class and I heard a noise that can only be described as a squirrel bark. I went on the defensive and scanned the terrain for the source of the noise.

I looked up and spotted it in a tree, and at that very moment, was pelted in the head with a crab apple. The squirrel was directly above me and was obviously the one that had dropped it on my head. I know this because I felt its eyes pierce through me as it continued to bark, taunting me.

There have been a couple other occasions the squirrels have taken action against me personally, and I’m positive there are others here on campus who feel victimized as well. I’ve come to the conclusion that the squirrels are in some way plotting against us. My advice to all is to follow the two rules. They may have saved me that cold morning when I stared a squirrel right in the eye, and cheated death.