Our graduation speaker this year definitely leaves something to be desired. What is that something? A decent graduation speaker. There are many other famous Tom’s that could have been just as, or more, entertaining as this year’s speaker.
Take for instance Tom Cruise, it’ll be around the time of Katie Holmes’ impending delivery and the release of his new movie. Since he loves PR, why not come speak at our graduation, really hang out with the little people? We’ll have a couch handy in case he feels the need to jump on it.
Tom Arnold is an Iowa native, so he’s qualified. He has some lame advice, he’s not that funny and he’s semi-famous, so he’s the perfect motivator for seniors! A couple people will laugh but most people will be bored and if you’ve seen the track record for past graduation speakers, Tom Arnold would probably be on par.
Tom Jones – I really don’t have a good reason for Tom Jones to speak at our graduation. I really just want to ask him “What’s new pussycat?”
Tom Selleck probably isn’t that busy. He could talk to us about what a big movie star he used to be – have you seen “3 Men and a Little Lady?” It would tank anyone’s career and about being an old man on “Friends.” Plus, he’s got a pretty sweet mustache. He’s been keeping it nice and neat since “Magnum P.I.” and that’s got to count for something.
If we must have a politician, why not Tom Delay? He’s got some extra time on his hands after all that’s went down with him. As far as corrupt politicians go, he’s at the top of the list right now. Maybe he’s got some tips for us young go-getters. Maybe something along the lines of “don’t get indicted?”
Tom Woldt – he teaches at Simpson so he knows the college. Plus he’s already going to be there, so why not let the man speak?
Tom, everybody’s friend on MySpace
For all the hipsters keeping up with technology, could we get the original Tom, everybody’s friend on MySpace? A computer geek with a ton of friends has got to have something valuable to offer. He could teach us about the classic MySpace photo poses such as taking your picture in the mirror or holding your camera above your head so the photo is looking down on you, because it is so much cooler that way. I’m sure Tom could probably get some more friends out of the deal; not that he doesn’t already have a billion.
Have we ever thought about the musician angle? We could get Tommy Lee because if it worked for the University of Nebraska – or did it? – it could work for Simpson. He didn’t graduate from college either, and he could always be an omen of what may come for those that think being a washed-up musician is cool. Plus, if he brought along the rest of the Crue, “Home Sweet Home” would definitely bring down the house.
Thomas Jefferson and Thomas Edison
If somehow we could bring the dead back to life, Simpson should consider Thomas Jefferson and Thomas Edison. Thomas Edison was the inventor of practically everything, so he could probably ramble for a while. Thomas Jefferson was a president, and maybe he’d even talk about the Sally Hemings scandal. Nothing says graduation speaker like a post-mortem sex scandal.