Bad Advice From Leah

Bad Advice From Leah

by eah Josephson

Dear Leah,

I’m officially 21 now, so I can legally drink my brains out. My mother doesn’t like the fact that I drink and won’t let me do it when I am home. Thanksgiving break is coming up, and I know I won’t be able to stay sober for it. How can I get my mom to understand that I’m an adult, and I can drink if I want to?

-Buzzed in Buxton

Dear Buzzed in Buxton,

Congratulations on entering alcoholism, we’ve been waiting for you. It’s always hard when moms won’t let you be a drunk. My mom is always calling me and accusing me of having a problem. So what if I called the cops and reported my stolen car while drunk at three in the morning? It was an honest mistake that I had forgotten it was in the parking lot of Mojo’s where I had left it when sober. And peeing your bed can be linked to emotional stress not just excessive alcohol consumption.

In my experience, the last thing you want to do is piss off mom while she’s stuffing a turkey so I wouldn’t try and bring the issue up with her. I would just get secretly drunk and keep my distance. I’m going to suggest that you pick up a bottle of vodka on your way home for break. Vodka makes a perfect secret drunk since it has no smell and it mixes with pretty much anything.

If Thanksgiving is at your house then it’ll be really easy to just go to your room and utilize the mini bar in the top dresser drawer. But if you have to go to another relative’s house for the holiday it’s a bit trickier. If you’re a girl, you can just carry a big purse. If you’re a guy, a flask is always a good idea, although a flask isn’t all that big. One of my ex-boyfriends used to always store forties in his tube socks underneath his baggy pant legs.Once at the party simply hide it in the bathroom under the sink or in the coat-room and go take pulls whenever the aunts and uncles are getting annoying.

Hang out with Uncle Ricky we all know he’s drunk. I can guarantee by the time dinner arrives the food will taste even more delicious and when you pass out afterwards you can blame it on the turkey! No one likes a sober holiday, well, except your mom, so drink up and say thanks to Hawkeye.