Bad advice from Leah

Bad advice from Leah

by Leah JosephsonStaff Writer

Dear Leah,

My boyfriend and I have been together now for a couple of months. I’m very much in love with him, and he tells me he loves me too. Lately he’s been more distant and doesn’t always return my phone calls. I think he might be cheating on me, but when I ask, he always denies it. What should I do?

-Desperate Dame

Dear Desperate Dame,

Ok, let me get this straight. You two have only been together a few months, and you’re very much in love with him? Oh hun, that just isnt right. I know it may feel like love and all, but trust me, you’ll get sick of him in about two more months.

With that said he probably is cheating on you. I don’t want to be a downer, but I’m friends with a lot of guys on this campus, and fidelity is never one of their strong suits. The good thing is since this is Simpson High School, you can most definitely catch him and then punish the hell out of him.

Hopefully you have friends, if you don’t, this will be a harder challenge. Tell your little skanky friends to do some spying. Stay home from a party, send your crew and tell them to keep an eye on him but keep pouring the drinks (the drunker he is, the better). My favorite is when the dude tries to get with one of the girl’s friends. Your friends usually have to be attractive for this to work, but then again, I’ve seen some of the girls my friends have taken home, and it’s kind of scary.

If you don’t have any friends, which is pretty sad, then just wait until he’s really drunk and then the next morning, act really upset. When he asks you what’s wrong be astonished that he doesn’t remember telling you that he’s been cheating. Don’t tell him any details, just keep it short and sweet so you don’t get caught in your lie. That usually gets ’em every time, dumb bastards.

After you’re done dumping him, tell everyone that he sucks in bed and sometimes calls out for his mom during sex. Then you can go on with your happy life and meet some other chump, fall in love and catch him cheating. It’s a fabulous circle of life, isn’t it?

-Leah Josephson