Poor, poor, poor old me – in a world run by the Internet, I can barely find the “on” button on a Mac. Even worse, when it comes to things like file conversions and formatting, which are occasional necessities for things like my job, I’m completely incompetent.

If only technology were as simple as making whiskey and cola. I’d be the hippest guy around.

Even more disheartening than my own lack of technical savvy, though, is the money it will cost me in the future. According to the list of the top ten highest-paying jobs for recent college graduates which sits, mocking me, in a Carver Science Hall lab, the folks who make their living turning on Macs will also make a much better living than I doing it.

In fact, in the recent job market, Internet and server maintenance has become more valuable than pretty much anything. After half a decade and a mortgage’s-worth of student loans, my value is still considerably less than a friend of mine with a two-year Internet Technology degree.

Because he can decipher lines of code, he can make a mint. I can diagram a sentence – but no one cares. If knowing what enjambment was could make me wealthy, then this might all be worth it.

Instead, what is left for guys like me – the ones who focused on the outdated language of letters and punctuation – is a life lived in guys like his’ world. When my Internet goes down, or my video card makes a noise like a whipped llama, I have to call on their services. The smug look on the Geek Squad-er’s face when I try to communicate in his language is enough to make me want to whip him-but then my Internet wouldn’t get fixed, you know.

So, I end up doing things like pointing and grunting, scratching in various places and trying to understand just what the hell is going on with this brave new world. However, the more I try, the worse I get. Maybe some people, like myself, just weren’t meant to play on this level. Maybe that mountain shack in Montana is looking a little more my speed.

The bottom line is this – if you can help it, if it’s not too late, switch majors. So what, you wanted to cure cancer or be the first guy to pee on the moon – that stuff won’t do as much for you as an I.T. degree can. Once you’re in, you’re in, and the world of computer maintenance looks like it could be the hottest place to be in the coming years. If you can hack it, and if you can stomach it, get yourself an education in the finer arts of technology.

Plus, you’ll be one step ahead of us mouth-breathing, keyboard monkey writer-types when the machines eventually enslave us all in the Matrix. And that, all, can only be an asset.