How To….Avoid the senior year freak-out

I know it happens to the seniors, especially as May 19 draws near.

Person: “What are you going to do after you graduate from Simpson?”

You’re barely holding back from punching them into submission, but answer politely, “I don’t know yet, but I’m sure I will find something.” It’s followed by an awkward laugh because you’re not sure what’s going to happen after the diploma is in your hands.

Some of us seniors are already set after college, and I think the rest of us all come together and say a big “F*** you” to the people asking the question. It’s not aimed at the person specifically because, hey, at least they’re taking an interest, but right now we’re just so tired of being asked when we have no concrete answer to give.

But seriously, you can avoid these questions from people if you stick with me. Honestly, have I ever led you astray? I didn’t think so, so listen up.

There are many ways to avoid the question, and of course the easiest way is to find a full-time job where you’ll be happy, or you can follow the five S’s: Suds, Sleep, Simpsonian, Sex and Self-defense. That’s actually five, but not all of them will work for you, so I will stick with four.

Suds. Suds can be a word with multiple definitions, but I was thinking of alcohol. You could drink yourself into a coma, but that wouldn’t help anything or anyone. However, alcohol can divert the conversation to a different topic. When someone asks about what you are going to do, you can say, “Have you tried *insert your favorite drink*?” If they say no, then inform them the ingredients of your delicious drink. If they say yes, then ask them about the first time they tried the drink. They will be so deep in thought about their delicious concoction, they’ll completely forget about their stupid question.

Sleep. If you continuously sleep the day away, you will never deal with the outside world. Sleeping lets your brain and body rest, and maybe you can think of the ultimate answer to the ultimate stupid question. Sleeping also lets the body re-energize, making the body stronger. With a strong body comes great ability to defend yourself with stupid questions.

Simpsonian. Even though The Simpsonian doesn’t have classified ads, reading it will make you smarter. It will also kill time, giving you time to yourself, which is a definite plus. The Simpsonian is always a great read, and it’s always worth your time. Wink, wink.

Sex. Pretty self-explanatory, but doing the no-pants-dance will evade people from asking you the question. It doesn’t matter with whom you are doing it – even yourself – no one is going to barge in on this very intimate time.

Self-defense. If someone repeatedly asks you the question, hurt them. By hurting the individual, they won’t be able to ask the question. Self-defense doesn’t work in every situation, but in the answer to the devilish question it will help. If you practice self-defense, you will be thinking of clever answers to the question.

No matter the angle you pursue, you can avoid the question or you can be honest. Letting the person know you actually have no idea what you’re going to do may be to your benefit. The person might be able to help you. When you are this close to graduation without any sort of leads, you can ask for all the help you can get.

I’m sure we will all find a job, whether we like it, before we graduate or shortly after. If you are having problems, you might take my advice into consideration. I know I will.

I shouldn’t have to say this, but I am putting light on a dark situation, so please take this with a grain of salt. We’re all enlightened individuals, so read with a critical eye.