How To Cheese Race

How To Cheese Race

by Scott BrinkmeyerStaff Writer

Baseball is classically referred to as our nation’s pastime. To my frustration, a few years ago NASCAR was predicted to replace it. Thankfully, NASCAR’s rising star was tethered and is now only a tool someone might use with a Southern accent in a jesting manner as a party trick-and a poor one at that.

As far as I am concerned, we do need a new national pastime. Quite frankly, baseball has become elite in that the only way to really play the game is as someone with a level of fitness that nature alone cannot even create. Our national pastime needs less throwing, running, and can preferably be done while sitting. Nation, I present to you the sport of Cheese Racing.

How exactly does one race cheese, you ask? Well, you’re very kind for asking. Please, read on. You need one slice of individually wrapped cheese per player or team. If you have already unwrapped your cheese, you have gone too far and must start over. Now that you have your still-packaged slice of cheese, please have a seat. Remember, that is a selling point in this new pastime. In choosing a seat, you will need to consider grill height. I recommend sitting with your lazy bum at least as high as the cooking area of the grill for obvious safety reasons.

Now, you simply put your slice of cheese on the grill. I’m sure you’re concerned about the plastic on the grill. Won’t it melt and leave a mess on my grill that might possibly expose other food to toxic fumes? This is a fool’s question. I ask you to trust me, throw caution to the wind and put that piece of cheese on the grill.

This is where the fun sets in. I know you’ve been having a great time already and can’t imagine it getting any better, but it really takes off here. You’ll notice your package will start to inflate. It will not melt, tear, or burst. It will only inflate. This is the race. The first package to fully inflate is the winner.

The victory is glorious, but the process itself is something to behold. You will have a plastic bubble boiling a liquid cheese inside and the package will not burst. This wrapper spits in the face of physics. You can almost hear it screaming “Take that, Lord Kelvin, British physicist who studied temperature!” Your mind, unlike that cheese wrapper, will be blown by this substance’s refusal to pay heed to the intense heat. And really, when was the last time your mind was blown by a pitcher scratching himself?

There you have it: My proposal of our nation’s new pastime. Its low level of activity and association with a food that is barely a food make it a near shoe-in. I am obligated to note, however, that this sport originated in the UK. Let’s not let this deter us from taking this sport and making it our own.

We deserve and need a new national pastime. And unlike that NASCAR debate a few years ago, there is absolutely no doubt in any American’s mind that this is a sport, and its competitors are true athletes.