How to tackle turkey day

by Scott BrinkmeyerStaff Writer

It’s that magical time of year where a nation thinks of dead birds. Fortunately, a Thanksgiving meal is much more than just turkey. Unfortunately some people mishandle the food opportunity, or “opporfoodity,” before them. I can’t even count on one hand how many opporfoodities I’ve wasted by being over-ambitious from the start and ending up with only a stomach full of potatoes and a heart full of regret.

I have since honed my skills of gluttony to share with you a cornucopia of knowledge on how to pace yourself through a Thanksgiving dinner.

Firstly, I propose sweatpants. I say, let this be a holiday of both thanks and elasticity. When a true opporfoodity knocks, you don’t want to answer the door in trim, well-fitting dress pants

Your most relaxing sweatpants are a much better bet. Your waist will certainly be thankful and I can almost promise a decrease in indigestion.

This is actually a secret tip the fat cats at the Tums offices don’t want you to know.

Some will tell you sweatpants simply aren’t formal enough for the occasion. To appease these enemies of comfort, all you need to do is take a marker and draw some classy pleats onto your sweatpants. You will almost certainly have people looking at you trying to figure out what exciting new fashion you’ve brought to the family get-together. Don’t panic and start to convince yourself they’ve figured out exactly what you’ve done. No one will ever come to the conclusion that someone would actually draw pleats on sweatpants.

Now that you’ve found the proper attire, we can move on to the actual food. I simply cannot stress enough how important it is to prioritize food choices.

Thanksgiving is when people really pride themselves on their signature dishes. A homemade green bean casserole should never play second fiddle to a mysterious cranberry semi-solid which is able to maintain the shape of the can that once held it against the very wishes of nature.

Also, consider the food as a leftover. You’ll probably be eating turkey sandwiches days after anyway, so why fill up and miss out on things that run out faster or are much better warm?

Some of Thanksgiving’s most famous dishes are not the healthiest. At room temperature, some dishes achieve a separation of fats or coagulation of ingredients that are probably better left as mystery.

A sad truth of any Thanksgiving dinner is the element of family. This is not sad in and of itself, but for some reason, good recipes are unique to the people that make up the family. For some reason, Cousin Carol just can’t master the scalloped corn like her mother Aunt Dorothy could.

Look around this year before you approach the table. Is Great Aunt Gladys going to be around to make another peach cobbler next year, or is this her dessert swan song? I had to be the one to even plant the idea, but you’re here to fill up with a delicious meal, not keep yourself in any wills.