How to: Prepare for finals

How to: Prepare for finals

by Rachel GullStaff Writer

Finals are quickly approaching, and in a matter of days you have a paper due on a book you never read for a professor who is notorious for being angry and cynical.

This is a situation that must be remedied. Rather than actually trying to do your homework, you must prepare for finals by helping your professor to become more carefree and giddy.

Everyone likes glitter.

Sprinkle your professor’s office with glitter when he leaves to use the restroom. He won’t be able to pinpoint the difference upon returning, but he will suddenly feel inexplicably bright and sparkly inside.

Plus, as he wanders about campus, the glitter will go with him and spread everywhere, lightening the spirits of everyone at Simpson.

With lightened spirits, people will be nicer to each other, and it is even possible that Peg the Pink Hat Lady won’t give you a ticket when you park in the wrong lot. But, I wouldn’t tempt her if I were you!

Create a “secret admirer.”

Everyone knows that people in love don’t think straight. You must concoct a “secret admirer” for your professor. Write him mushy notes praising his piercing eyes and stunning intellect.

Just be sure not to use your own handwriting. If your professor believes that you admire him secretly, things could be very awkward for all involved.

Allow your professor’s “secret admirer” to shower him with gifts. Most of these should be extremely sugary baked goods that will give your professor a sugar high that lasts through Christmas.

He will be so giddy that he won’t be able to concentrate as he corrects finals, and the next 100 papers will get automatic A’s because he can’t sit still long enough to read them.

Visit their office.

Professors have an unspoken, but extremely important habit of judging each other’s coolness by the number of students who visit their offices.

If you get each person in your class to pay a visit to your professor’s office, his coolness level and self-esteem will rise, making him very happy. This is essential, because happy professors give better grades.

Delegate your sucking-up.

Around finals, professors are always on the lookout for brown-nosing. So you absolutely cannot give your professor any indication that you are trying to butter him up.


It’s a proven fact that music can influence emotions. In the days before finals, you must ensure that your professor has a steady supply of positive, upbeat music.

To do this, you must invade his office with ninja-like stealth, find his iPod and set it to play only ABBA songs and escape through an air duct. Unfortunately, this takes effort and an extensive supply of 70s Swedish pop music.

If you cannot achieve this feat, you must take it upon yourself to act as his personal music player. Skip all of your classes to follow him around campus and serenade him with the happiest tunes you can think of. I recommend Disney theme songs and anything by Miley Cyrus.

If your professor questions you or seems confused by your singing, tell him that you are practicing for your American Idol audition and are trying to get over stage fright. Professors are all about building students’ confidence and self-esteem, and they are all pretty obsessed with helping students find a calling in life.

Your professor will feel so honored that you have chosen his help during this momentous point in your life that he will encourage you to keep singing and may even back you up on his guitar. In fact, if you keep singing long enough, there is a very good possibility that you will distract him from even giving the final!

With all of the dedication that goes into making cranky professors happy, it might seem like less effort to actually write your paper.

This, my friend, is the easy way out. Every other student does homework, but you are an individual. You hold yourself to a higher standard and you really work to get the most out of your college career.

Thus, you must never question your dedication to finding creative methods of avoiding homework and befuddling professors. Your calling is much greater than that of your peers.

Plus, your way is much more fun.