How to: Take over the world

How to: Take over the world

by Rachel GullNews Editor

People who try to take over the world get such a bad reputation. Usual methods involve large armies, evil dictators and scary nuclear weapons, so it’s no wonder that world domination gets such a bad rap.

However, taking over the world is a pretty popular idea. People are constantly trying the whole world domination thing, but everyone seems to fail. In fact, there’s not even a spot for it in the Guinness Book of World Records!

After watching countless episodes of, “Pinky and the Brain,” “Invader Zim,” and “Power Rangers,” I have finally developed a surefire way to take over the world. Using my methods, you can soon be featured in the Guinness Book of World Records, on maps, water towers and even issue your own postage stamp.

Nukes are bad.

To be totally effective when taking over the world, you must be subtle. Invading other countries and nuking them without permission can get you into trouble. Plus, it is really hard to get nukes because they don’t sell them at Wal-Mart or on eBay.

You probably wouldn’t want nukes anyway, because owning nukes makes you crazy and forces you to make poor fashion decisions – take Kim Jong Il and his glasses. Rather than making you especially intimidating, bad fashion choices merely make people judge you.

Plus, if you actually get nukes and nuke too many people, there will be a huge nuclear fallout and everyone will die, including a majority of your Facebook friends.

You will suddenly have nothing to do when you’re supposed to be studying. This will cause you to lose all hope for the future and die.

Thus, you must take over the world in a less violent and less obvious way.

Brainwashing is good.

Brainwashing is a great plan because you can tell people how to feel about things. For instance, you can tell people how excited they are to become friends with you on Facebook. Your friend count will skyrocket! Also, because you were nonviolent and didn’t nuke the world, people will actually be alive to brainwash.

Unfortunately, I recently discovered that brainwashing has nothing to do with soap. This totally defeats the purpose of washing something if you ask me. Anyway, if you’re going to brainwash people at least spray Febreeze on them or something. You wouldn’t want people’s brains to smell like wet dog after you brainwashed them without soap.

If people don’t let you wash their brains, alternative methods are available.

Santa is very good.

Everybody likes Santa, so who could be better to have at your side when conquering the world? People all over the world allow this strange fat man into their homes once every year, so if you’re hanging with him, they’ll totally like you too.

Plus, Santa knows where everyone lives. And I mean everyone! We spent all this time and money looking for Sadaam Hussein, and Santa knew where he was the whole time.

Santa also knows who is naughty and who is nice. He has super creepy but very powerful methods of observation, which will prove essential to controlling the world after you’ve dominated it. With Santa’s powers, wiretaps and other methods of surveillance would be totally unnecessary.

Unfortunately, Santa is pretty antisocial, and he spends most of his time hiding at the North Pole with only reindeer and elves for company, and might not be too keen on taking over the world.

Fortunately, this is not a problem. Set out cookies and milk every night. Santa has trouble keeping dates straight, and he will be easily fooled into delivering packages to your home.

When he comes down the chimney, you must quickly tie him up. Then you can write a wish list detailing all of your plans for world domination. This wish list is very powerful, and Santa will be forced to help with everything you ask. In fact, he will be more than happy to help.

As you can see, taking over the world nonviolently is way cooler than using mean, scary methods. Nukes are so 20th century!

Also, when you and Santa conquer the world, keep this in mind: I want a pony for Christmas.