I was hanging out with a friend the other day, and the topic of masturbation came up, to which my friend confessed that he had given up masturbation for Lent.
I was shocked. Not because my friend is some sort of jack-a-holic nympho who I can’t see being able to give up something like masturbation, but because I was shocked as to how someone in general could manage to go 40 days without jacking off. This thought brought me to realize that I am entirely way too sexual of a person.
First, I would like to clear the air on one issue that many straight men get confused on. Just because you happen to have a penis doesn’t mean I want to play with your penis. You don’t want to have sex with every girl you encounter. I don’t want to have sex with every man I encounter. I happen to have standards, and looks are essential.
So when you read this and hear me talking about scamming on guys, don’t worry. I know you are straight. I’m not going to try and seduce you and chances are, I’ve never checked you out anyway.
Now back to my story. Anyone who has a conversation spanning more than two minutes could attest to my ability to turn anything into a sexual innuendo without even trying.
Dirty thoughts or interpretations of simple statements like “What time do you get off,” occur almost immediately after they are said, and I am the king of, “That’s what she said.”
Any given trip with friends or visit to the mall and you can find me scamming on guys like it’s my job. Friends and I have even developed a game called “Dibs and Yours,” and the rules are simple. We dibs the men we’d sleep with and say “yours” when he’s ugly and would require two paper bags in order to sleep with him.
As often as I discuss sex, make sex jokes and talk about the screw-ability of people, often times I’m not getting that much actual sex.
While, admittedly, sex is a lot easier to come by in the gay world, in the Des Moines gay community you run into issues. Since it has a population of about 30, once you’ve slept with one person, you’ve slept them all and people know who’s sleeping with whom, I really don’t want to become the community bicycle.
So, while I’m not Wal-Mart and open for business 24 hours, like some may believe, I do enough business to keep me sustained.
Sex also gets tricky when it comes to dating and the “do I put out on the first date” dilemma.
In general, I try to not let first dates end in the bedroom. However there are exceptions. If he happens to be very attractive, if we’ve already known one another for a while or if the date is horrible and I know a second date won’t happen and I don’t want the night to be a complete waste of time, I will probably end up putting out on the first date.
So while I sometimes feel like I should shower for some of the dirty thoughts that pop into my head, I’m really not ashamed of my 21-year-old male libido that’s running like it’s hopped up on X. It’s like Marilyn Monroe once said, “Sex is a part of nature…” Who am I to argue with mother nature?