The Simpscope: Dane Cook Style

The Simpscope: Dane Cook Style

Capricorn (Dec. 22- Jan. 19) Stay in touch with your childhood memories. When you think about when you were “back in school, back in the day, which was a Wednesday,” remember all of the carefree moments and try to embrace that feeling.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) When you go out this weekend make sure that you keep your coat with you. You never know what could happen when you leave your coat “on or around the coat area.” Don’t leave your coat anywhere near the “vicinity of coats.”

Pisces (Feb. 19- Mar. 20) Make sure that you are nice to the guy that nobody talks to. You never know when the day will come when he comes into work and all he says to you is, “Thanks for the candy.”

Aries (March 21- April 19) You can’t fix every problem that comes your way, but use your imaginary super powers wisely this week. Make like Superman,”shwwooosh and zip up into the skies.” Then state, “I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor.”

Taurus (April 20- May 20) Make sure that your car alarm is enabled this week. What is better than annoying the rest of the world just to make sure that your spare change and 12-pack of Dew doesn’t get stolen? Instead of plugging your ears, embrace the music, “Helllooo. I’m a car. Back seat, trunk space.”

Gemini (May 21- June 21) Make sure you are keeping up your dental hygiene. For most people looking for love, nice teeth are a turn on. But “If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions” you may be in trouble.

Cancer (June 22- July 22) When it’s time to let go, you’ll know it. When you wake up thinking, “No way. I can’t stand this person. I’ll stay around for five or six years and we can end this thing violently,” it’s probably not a good sign. Forget about your CDs, they were all burnt anyway.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22) Go out this weekend and be social. When you meet that special someone make sure that you take things slow. Don’t invite her back to your apartment, or as you call it “the Death Star.” Let’s be serious, “it’s not completely operational.”

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22) Don’t panic when you get lost this week. Follow these instructions: “You’re gonna go down to the Texaco station. Take a right. Go five and a half miles southeast. You’re gonna see a guy in a yellow poncho. His name is Hank. He’ll take you to the Whopper lair. That’s where you go.”

Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 23) Make sure that you are stocked up and ready to go on the grocery front. Make sure that you don’t forget the jelly. Even if “you don’t like the jelly, if it gives you hives when you look at it,” buy some jelly. She cares, and so do you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24- Nov. 21) It’s time to keep up with your friends. Lately you’ve been noticing that you’re becoming the Karen of the group. “There is one person, in every group, that nobody likes.” Don’t become that person who your group bashes every time you’re “not around the rest of your little base camp.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) Take notice of whom you choose the hang around. You’ve “always had creepy people around; somewhere in your life there’s a creepy individual, and it starts off when we’re youngins.” Stay away from the Obby in your life, people might start to consider you creepy by association.