This has been an all around scary year. A killer flu has attacked every corner of the globe.The Tulips beat us in the Homecoming football game.

But there is something much scarier looming on the horizon, something even more terrifying: choosing a Halloween costume.

Students at Simpson College are in desperate need of some counseling and guidance when it comes to choosing a costume. Many of the costumes displayed last year were obviously put together in under 5 minutes with articles stolen from small children.

Simpson, the fact is that you have a problem. But you are not alone. People all over the country stress over this one night, and though it seems impossible to come up with a good costume, never fear. The perfect Halloween costume could be yours if you follow my advice.

Make sure your costume is gender and age appropriate. We are in college, people. It is time to start acting like it. It’s probably not a good sign if your girlfriend is dressing up as Dennis Rodman, and do NOT allow your professor to wear a Tinkerbell costume. Fashion statements like this are wrong on so many levels.

Wear something original. Don’t be a ghost or a vampire. Be unique. Dress as a Pop-Tart. If you must be a vampire, at least be a vegetarian vampire. The world will admire you so much more.

It’s possible that you just have no idea where to start.

To help, I have compiled a list of costume ideas to boost your original and exciting Halloween experience.

1.) Go as a group with some friends. Be the Spice girls, Congress, whatever strikes your fancy.

2.) Dress to fit an era in the past. Raid your grandma’s attic, Goodwill and your parents’ wardrobes for bell-bottoms, leg warmers, and feather boas.

3.) Dress up like you’re from another country (This only works if you do the most stereotypical version of each place).

For your Scottish costume, wear as much plaid as humanly possible. Adopt a thick, fake Scottish brogue, and refer to everyone you meet as “laddie.”

4.) Dress as a famous, well-known person.

To become Dolly Parton, you must insert two large watermelons into your shirt and place a small sheep dog on your head. If the dog seems unhappy, yodel loudly and spray it with hairspray until it calms down; or dies.

In our culture, there are only four acceptable purposes for a Halloween costume:

Reason one: To frighten little children

Let’s face it. The only point behind wearing something “scary” is to terrorize everyone under 4-feet-tall. Unfortunately there aren’t really many of those around If you must be scary and desperately want to strike terror into the hearts of your peers, your only course of action is to dress as a Jonas Brother.

Reason two: To impress your friends with your awesome-tastic skills

“Dude! Chad made an exact replica of the Enterprise to wear on his head!”

Reason three: to be funny

Two words: Bob Saget.

Reason four: To get the chance to wear something in public that you’d get arrested for on any other day of the year

“No, officer, I don’t usually stand on that corner! This is my Halloween costume!”

Whatever the motives behind your Halloween “experience,” I hope I’ve given you some helpful guidelines.

And maybe this year, each of you will have some uber-wonderful costume of your very own.