At this year’s homecoming, the Simpson Storm will square off against Central College’s Dutch. Every homecoming includes a big game, and just about every moment of homecoming week seems to be dedicated to getting people “fired up.”
To do this, students must be convinced that this is not just another homecoming. This is the ultimate game. The Big One. The entire Simpson community must understand that the opponents are not just students from another school. They are the personification of all evil: Judas, Hitler and Miley Cyrus combined.
But for some of you, this is definitely not necessary. Some of you have plenty of school spirit, and you really have no need to get even more fired up. Here are some warning signs of an excessive obsession with our dear alma mater:
You cover your entire body in red and gold paint. Every single day of homecoming week, any exposed inch of your body is covered in paint. Rather than redo your paint each morning, you purchase a few buckets of Sherwin Williams and decorate yourself Sunday night. This body paint will last the whole week and everyone will admire your creativity.
You join the pep band even though you don’t know how to play any instruments. You’re convinced that, “What we need is more cowbell!”
You bought a homecoming T-shirt from every one of the billion random groups selling them. You plan to bring each of them to the game, changing your T-shirt every time Simpson gets a first down.
You follow strangers around campus, serenading them with the fight song and periodically singing the theme to “Jaws.” President Byrd once remarked that he greatly enjoys hearing the theme to “Jaws” played by the pep band. Think about how much more excited he’ll be when you follow him around performing it! The scream that ends the piece is especially exciting.
Rather than donating money to the college after graduation like everyone else, you have a deal with the alumni association that you will give Simpson your firstborn.
You have formed a cult based on the seals in front of the BSC and College Hall. Those who dare to step upon one will be forced to grovel and kiss the seal to beg for forgiveness. Your cult has a standing militia armed with balled up socks to enforce this respect of the seals.
You break into the men’s locker room and steal a football uniform and pads. You wear it to class every day of homecoming week, pulling the helmet low over your face so no one will realize you’re an imposter.
To stay inconspicuous at Pfeiffer, you pull up a seat at a table of big, buff guys who look like football players. You flex periodically throughout the meal so you don’t feel out of place. As you mutter about the “old pigskin,” you consider what the guy across from you would do if you asked for his autograph.
You filch the guy on the right’s water bottle because it says “Simpson Football” and the guy on the left’s calculus notebook because it has his name written in it.
These are all signs that you have surpassed average school spirit and are bordering on obsession. If these activities appeal to you, you must avoid all school-sponsored activities for the remainder of the week. Lock yourself in your dorm room and watch Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood until the urge to shred tulips is gone. At this point, homecoming week should be over and you may resume your regular activities with little risk of a relapse.