He Said..

I’d like to begin by offering my condolences that you’re close to getting canned thanks to a made up character.

However, if she does call it off because you’re not Edward-ian enough, it looks like you might be better off.

Essentially, minus the whole bloodsucking thing and the mood swings, Edward is the perfect man. He’s attractive, passionate, caring, protective, and he even glitters in the sunlight. Oh, and his family’s loaded.

If you haven’t read the books, I’ll give you some suggestions that could maybe help you out.

Use an accent every once in awhile, make it kind of awkward and Russian sounding. Edward does that in the movies, maybe that’ll help.

Or maybe the girlfriend wants a little more kink in the romance department. While, I don’t suggest you bruise her up like Edward does in book three, maybe you could add a little spice and nibble on her neck every once in awhile.

Grow you hair out a little so it’s good and shaggy and never style it. Always look sullen and put some shadow under your eyes, and you’ll have the Edward look down and maybe that will appease her.

Or, start creeping into her room at night and watching her sleep. Follow her wherever she goes, but don’t let her know you are, so if she gets into a tough situation you can jump out and save her. Carry her on your back and run around Buxton Park.

And while I’ve never really done that whole legitimate relationship thing, I’ve heard that people date you because they like you for who you are. Her making you change to become more like a moody vegetarian vampire is telling me that she’s not diggin you anymore and maybe that’s something you should also consider.

So really, I think the girlfriend just needs a reality slap right across the face. If you really have to even waste your breath in explaining to her that Edward isn’t real and you can’t become a vampire, I suggest sticking a fork in the relationship because it’s obviously over.

She Said…

Really? You really have to ask advice on how to explain to your girlfriend… that Edward Cullen isn’t real? Yikes, you’ve got problems, dude. But I’ll bite. No pun intended.

Aside from the fact that your girlfriend technically wants you to be like a dead guy from a ridiculous fantasy world, lets talk about Edward in general.

Sure, he’s pretty and brooding and sexy. No real guy is that perfect looking or mysterious. Even someone as gorgeous as Robert Pattinson has to be made up and styled to look that good. However, he’s also controlling, obsessive and verbally abusive. But of course Bella takes it, because she’d do anything for a man.

You should be on the lookout for other masochistic tendencies in your girlfriend, because judging from those sick Edward qualities that she’s attracted to, she definitely likes pain.

I won’t lie, Edward’s one of my guilty pleasures, but I’m fully aware of his nonexistence and of how trashy the harlequin-for-teens “Twilight” books are.

Apparently your girlfriend is not so quick to catch on-maybe she’s a little touched in the head. I mean, I don’t know the girl but the fact that we’re even having this conversation concerns me. Delusional Donna needs a reality check, and you should give it to her.

This isn’t hard. Sit her down; tell her that Edward is neither real nor perfect and that to expect you to act like someone who doesn’t even exist is beyond ridiculous. If she still doesn’t get it through her head, dump her. Stat. In fact, have a little fun with it. She’s definitely asking for it.

In all seriousness, there are unfortunately a lot of girls out there like your girlfriend. They all need to realize that the perfect guy is just as much of an illusion as Edward himself, so they should stop bending over backwards trying to find him.

They are only leading themselves on, and pissing off girls like me for giving us all a bad name in the process. Just tell her to knock it off with the fantasy crap and accept that she’ll never find an Edward. Then break up with her anyway. I hope you can do better than this.