How to:

How to:

by Rachel GullGuest Columnist

Disney characters have it so easy. They’re good looking and funny just because someone made them that way.

They fall in love with the perfect man or woman just because they’re supposed to love that person. They get into horrible predicaments, but everyone gets a happily-ever-after within an hour-and-a-half.

As a Disney movie expert, I have discovered exactly how to make your life more like a Disney movie.

Get in really big trouble. Often.

In a Disney movie, people only fall in love when one of them is about to die a painful and horrible death.

Please do not try this at home. Instead, when a gigantic crisis occurs, swoon and fall into your loved one’s arms.

This can be dangerous, so you should probably announce that you are about to swoon. This will ensure that your beloved has time to catch you before you fall to the ground, thus preventing you from breaking an arm or your neck. This will also ensure that reinforcements can be called before you crush your beloved with your falling body.


When watching a Disney movie, one realizes that the only people with facial hair are fathers and villains. Ladies, if he’s not someone’s dad, that facial hair equals trouble. So if he’s got a mustache and you don’t see his kid, run for cover. Gentlemen, I understand that we’ve just finished that international holiday, No Shave November.

However, if you don’t want your Disney princess to think you’re a creep or wonder how old your child is, use your razor every couple of days. By the way gentlemen, if she has facial hair she’s probably not who she says she is.

Dress up.

Disney characters don’t wear real clothes. When do you see the prince and princess running around in jeans or sweats?

Men, you can Disney-ify your wardrobe by integrating some brightly colored tights, shiny black boots and a cool feathered hat.

Ladies, you should wear prom dresses or drastically outdated gowns. No matter your gender, make sure that your chosen outfit is extremely comfortable.

Disney characters don’t seem to have a wide range of clothing. They pretty much wear the same outfit over and over. Also, when you are wearing your Disney outfit, please make sure to use large quantities of Febreeze.

Rethink making friends.

Acquire a small talking animal to act as your best friend. As a Disney character, you literally know no one else: think Ariel, Cinderella, Prince Phillip, or Aladdin.

People in Disney movies don’t have friends. It’s totally obvious that the Simpson squirrels lead active social lives. Make friends with them and you won’t need all of those normal human friends.

Animals can talk. So can appliances, toys and all plants. They just don’t do it when you’re around. When choosing a best friend, inanimate objects will also do.

Think about Beauty and the Beast, Toy Story and The Brave Little Toaster. Appliances and children’s toys are yet another Disney way to make friends.

Find a frying pan, shoe or a large rock and tell your secrets to it. It’s okay if your new best friend can’t move.

Grandmother Willow was an awesome and super powerful being, but she was stuck in the ground.

Sing and dance.

At least half of your conversations should be in song. If you can’t carry a tune, I’m sorry, but you will never find true love.

Like an animalistic mating call, the Disney song seems to be the secret to finding your soul mate. Those who don’t sing will likely never find love.

Once you have lured a potential mate through your song, the mate is probably in kissing distance. Kissing distance is the distance where you know you could catch your mate and plant a smooch on him even if he tried to run away.

Kissing in Disney movies is a very serious thing. To kiss someone in a Disney movie means that the two of you are soul mates and will be married within a very short time.

As soon as your lips part, you may begin planning the wedding.

This is it Simpson College! Go out there and find your happily-ever-after. Just shave first.