How To: Create a secret club


Simpson College has many campus organizations. There are too many for one person to ever join or even know about them all. With so many choices available, one assumes there must be something for everyone. Unfortunately, sometimes the activities offered don’t quite suit a person’s interests. Maybe there is a student out there who hates the arts, politics and academics. This person enjoys sports and thought very seriously about joining the wrestling and swim teams but was unfortunately hindered by a paralyzing fear of water and singlets. When this happens, and you can’t find anything that truly suits you, realize that you are not alone. There are others out there who share the same goals and obsessions. Find any group of people and you will be able to find something you have in common. This will show you a need for a new organization where you and your fellow enthusiasts can bond. You could form a club dedicated to playing Risk, a cult based on the teachings of Professor of Mathematics Rick Spellerberg or a support group for those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after encounters with Peg the Pink Hat Lady. Once you have a purpose for your club, make everything involving the club top-secret. Secret clubs are way more exciting than the ones everyone knows about. On a campus the size of Simpson everyone will know about your club five minutes after it’s formed. These people won’t know all the details, however, and the mystery revolving around your group will make it all the more enticing to outsiders. Remember in elementary school when teachers would make you let other kids join your secret club? Suddenly the whole class got to be a part of your no-longer-secret club, and the organization had to be disbanded solely on principle. At Simpson your semi-secret club is totally under your control. Create your headquarters. Clubs have to meet somewhere totally cool. Turn your dorm room into a super-secret fort. Use all of the sheets, blankets, chairs, mattresses, safety pins and duct tape you can find. The fort is, of course, members only, but you should probably invite your roommate.       You’ve stolen his pillows and blankets and mattress to construct the fort, and he’s less likely to tear it down if he gets to come to the secret meetings. Plus, if you make him an officer and give him a ridiculously long title, he probably won’t even mind sleeping on the floor in the hallway every night. Create a secret password. This password should be a combination of words, song, hand motions, sound effects and original dance moves. Members trying to enter the fort must perform the password perfectly to gain admission. Every secret club needs a top-secret code. Members of your club should send messages to each other using carrier pigeons. Unfortunately, carrier pigeons don’t have much insulation and could totally die in the cold. Until it gets warmer, use the secret tunnels under the school to send your messages. These tunnels are mostly blocked off, but as a secret club, it’s pretty much your duty to investigate and utilize them. Celebrate important club traditions and holidays. For instance, on the birthday of Rick Spellerberg, club members should skip classes, citing a religious conviction.  The day that Peg the Pink Hat Lady gave her first parking ticket should be treated as a day of mourning. Club members should, of course, be exempt from classes on this day as well. As you can see, your secret club has many intriguing possibilities. And don’t even worry about recruiting new members. The moment people find out your club is “secret,” everyone will be trying to join.