It’s that time of year again, the final issue of The Simpsonian. Tradition calls for a sentimental and yes, often corny, reflection of the past four years. If I do it right, I’ll be able to reflect on my amazing and impart some wisdom on those of you just starting your time at Simpson.

However, anyone who knows me knows that I’m rarely corny and never sentimental, so with all due respect to my predecessors, I’m bucking the trend. Instead, I’ll let you in on the real truths of Simpson College.

First things first, invest in a coffee pot. I didn’t learn this until junior year – and it was like a revelation. Not only will the caffeine help you through those late nights, but it’s also a great hangover remedy. I once read a text from last night that said something along the lines of, “Coffee is God’s way of telling me ‘It’s OK to go out on a week night, I got your back.'” Amen.

Pfeiffer food does not get better with time. And for that matter, no amount of tums, Rolaids or Pepto will make Pfeiff pizza go down smoothly. I’ve lived here for four years, and with the exception of the occasional community brunch, I leave the cafeteria disappointed nearly every time.

Texting while walking on the treadmill does not make you look any more popular, and certainly doesn’t win you any friends. However, I can assure you that it will piss off anyone waiting in line for your machine.The housing department is always right. This is what I like to refer to as a universal truth. It’s the case at all colleges and universities, and it’s been around longer than Justice John Paul Stevens. It’s best to learn this truth early and save yourselves the trouble, because no matter what happens, just like the Supreme Court, they get the final say.

Take it from me, you can make it all four years without using those two dreadful words. You know the two I’m talking about – there’s even an entire website dedicated to their existence. I still haven’t figured out exactly what it is.

There you have it, all the inside information you need to know to achieve success at Simpson College. And who knows, maybe you’ll even find your …nah, why start now?